Origins in BDSM – Part 1

In my first post And So it Begins I gave a relatively brief overview into where my sexual awakenings started and how they developed. It’s by no means extensive and doesn’t include everything – not because I want to hide it but because it would take so long to write and read. I mention it because if you haven’t read it I would recommend doing so and coming back as this takes a side street from there and discusses where I found BDSM and makes mention of things contained in that post.

The first time I ever saw mention of anything to do with bondage and spanking came from one of the sex guides I was reading through in my very early teens. It’s important to note that at this point BDSM wasn’t referenced and activities that we now commonly associate with it were – in this case being tied up and spanking. A lot of it was “some people enjoy being spanked” or “some people like the feeling of not being in control”. It was all very instructional and to the point, stating a fact as opposed to delving deeply into the subject.

My Secret Garden

Nancy Friday’s book “My Secret Garden” which is a collection of womens fantasies that were sent to the author anonymously is probably one of the most important books I ever read as a teenager, providing an insight into woman’s sexual minds and I may have another post about that separately. However one thing that I remember clearly is how much dominance, submission, bondage and spanking again all featured a fair amount and in more detail than was covered in that particular sex guide. Describing what they felt or wanted to feel which is something the guide didn’t provide. This piqued my interest as anything that is generally considered to be taboo or is likely to mortally offend a lot of people often does.

I may have wanked while looking at the pictures in the sex guide but I could have sprained my wrist at the frequency at which I was wanking over those particular fantasies in “My Secret Garden”. I don’t remember feeling weird about it or finding that what I found hot was wrong but then now that I consider it I didn’t have a whole lot telling me what is and isn’t weird. I just had books telling me, some people like this and some people like that. I just knew the person I was and that if most people didn’t like it or “get it” then I was probably going to love it.

The idea of pleasure and pain working together made perfect sense to me even at that young age. One thing that always baffled me while reading fantasy novels was why the villain always had this powerful forbidden magic that the hero wasn’t allowed to wield. They had to use their pitiful “good” magic that was always shit in comparison until the end of the story and all the way throughout being told “no you can’t study that magic, it’s evil”. I always thought well why don’t you study both? A working understanding of what you are up against or mastering both makes you invariably stronger than each separately…surely?

Anyway this was how my mind processed it – If it is better to have loved and lost than to have never love at all then so to is it that experiencing pain will allow you to better appreciate and feel pleasure. It made so much sense and if you could master both you were godlike (in keeping with the fantasy story example, I’m egotistical but not that much!).

The Lady in the green corset

During one of my weekly trips to the second hand bookstore to look for more information on all things related to sex I found there were no new guides or books I hadn’t read yet. I made my way to the erotica section which was nicely tucked away at the very back in a dark corner and I found the to the best of my recollection the first reference to BDSM I saw. It was a paperback with the image of a woman who was stood straight, half way between side on and facing away. She wore a laced up green corset, stockings and holding a cane in both hands against her shapely arse in a very traditional victorian looking room and she looked apprehensive.

Every other book on the shelf may aswell not have been there, there was just something about that image that made the rest irrelevant. I already had a solid appreciation of both stockings and corsets so what she was wearing was probably a factor but it was the cane pressed against her arse and the look of apprehension on her face that held my attention. Picking it up I read the blurb on the back and there it was “BDSM”. I don’t recall the name of the book but I snatched it up and immediately set off home to read.

It was cliched, stereotypical and as well written as any top shelf train station trash but at the time this was all new to me and had yet to become cliche in my eyes. A young lady goes to an all girls boarding school in a repurposed victorian manor where she is to wear corsets and stockings and heels as uniform, protocol is very high and deviation from the rules is punished swiftly by some means of corporal punishment. There’s fucking,lesbians, oral, a harsh headmistress and male and female teachers that were just itching for one of the girls to fuck up.

Looking back now it is very clear that the book wasn’t a story about BDSM as a whole as much as it was a tale of S&M with a heavy dose of corporal punishment and a girl who discovers she enjoys the pain. But BDSM is what I read on the back of the book and what was contained within is what I took BDSM to be. However I cannot understate how this book made me feel when reading it, it made me horny and it made me want to wank but it also stirred something deeper in me, in a place I can only say was my gut – it felt right to me.

It felt right that I had set rules and they should be followed to the letter and if it wasn’t that a swift punishment would follow. It felt right that she should be commanded to kneel and wait for the next command, it felt right having her bent over a desk taking her strokes for her bad behaviour and that I was correcting it. It felt right that she sucked my cock to please me. It also felt right that she sobbed and she cried and she begged forgiveness for fucking up – then *I* felt wrong…very very wrong.

Continued In part 2.

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5 thoughts on “Origins in BDSM – Part 1”

  1. It’s always interesting to read where other people started to get interested in BDSM, or realized that they were either Dom or sub. It was only in recent years that I actually realized there were names for the feelings I had all my life. But during my life I was just too busy surviving and getting through to the next day, that I never questioned my feelings. They were just part of me. Thanks for sharing this and I look forward to part 2.

    Rebel xox

  2. Velvet Rose says:

    Great to see where you have come from and how your explorations shaped your mind at that time! Love reading stuff like this!

    Velvet x

  3. Very interesting how you got acquainted with BDSM. How magnificent that it was at a young age and that you felt comfortable enough to embrace it at that age.

  4. Flip says:

    Like Marie, I’ve always leant towards BDSM as far back as I can remember, I just never knew it was a real thing that had a name, I just thought I was a freak for liking the things I did. Along the way I’ve experienced a whole range of emotions linked to that, not all good, not all bad….now I find myself being able to better understand those feelings, and completely at home exploring all the wonderful nuances

    Flip.

  5. Molly says:

    This is very interesting look at one persons journey… much to my shame I have never read the Nancy Friday book. I really should correct that

    Mollyxxx

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